The Hypochondriac
by Metoria
Summary: A New prisoner arrives and spreads a terrible illness throughout the camp. Can Hogan save his men before it’s too late?
1. Chapter 1 New Arrival

The Hypochondriac-

Chapter 1: New Arrival

…

Hogan stood by his barracks watching the compound as his men did their laundry. It was a pretty nice day, Hogan was sure nothing huge was going to happen. There had been no air raids in the past two weeks so it wasn't possible to have any new prisoners brought in, and Hilda said that there weren't any transfers anytime soon, so that was out of the question. Maybe today would be a good day to take a breather from the espionage business. No escapes too place so they had no reason to worry about getting anyone in or out that day or night. Today was going to be a quiet day. He was sure of it, of course there was a voice inside his head screaming to keep an eye out, and so he did and relaxed at the same time.

As he was in thought and looking and listening, Newkirk glanced over to him. Colonel Hogan hadn't said much that morning. Was he thinking of something important? A new mission. His commanding officer's face was blank; unreadable. If something was bothering him he certainly wasn't showing it. "Sir?"

Hogan looked at him. "Yes, Newkirk?"

He sounded fine. "You been standing there not sayin' a word all mornin', Sir, is something' on your mind?"

Hogan smiled, that was a relief for Newkirk. "I just realized we aren't likely to be doing anything important today." Hogan straightened. "No raids lately, no escapes, no transfers; nothing big. Klink isn't expecting anyone. Today may actually be pretty quiet."

Newkirk thought about it. "You're right, Sir."

However they weren't. A truck pulled into camp carrying someone. A flyer. He was taken off the truck and taken straight to Hogan.

"Here!" The German soldier said half shoving the man over to Hogan. "I'll tell the Kommandant you're here." The German soldier didn't seem too amused, just annoyed. He walked into the Kommandant's office and announced that he had a new prisoner then left. He didn't seem to want to stay.

Hogan watched as the soldier left as quickly as he could without looking back. He nearly hit the gate on his way out and the German soldiers guarding it. He heard a "WAHOO!" as the soldier drove away.

He looked at the new prisoner. He looked innocent enough. Could he be trusted? Was he a trouble maker?

"Sir?" The new prisoner addressed Hogan.

"I'm Colonel Robert Hogan, You're new commanding officer. You're name soldier?" Hogan straightened and saluted the man.

The man saluted weakly. Had they tortured the man? "-Cough- Sergeant Ronald Conway."

"Are you ill?" Hogan asked concerned.

"I'm always ill." The man's response was so dull. He slouched when he lowered his salute.

Hogan nodded backing away slightly. "Have you seen a doctor?"

The man nodded. He had bags under his eyes. "When I was shot down three months ago, I had broken my leg. They said I didn't but I did! I was in the hospital for a week after that and they released me! Can you believe that! A man with a broken leg! The marrow could have mixed with my blood and killed me! You can bet I'll be reporting that to the Red Cross!"

"So how did you get out of the hospital if your leg was broken?" Hogan asked. Something was messed up about this story.

"They said it wasn't broken. They made me walk out, oh the pain was excruciating." He laid the back of his hand on his forehead dramatically. Then he brought down his hand and looked at it. "Oh no I have a fever again! I told them I had Pneumonia!"

"Where were you after they released you from the hospital?" Hogan asked wanting the whole story.

"Well, they were going to take me to a prison camp but I suddenly fainted and had a seizure." he said dramatically.

Hogan nodded not sure if he believed the man.

"So they took me to another hospital. They did so many tests and yet, get this, they said I was fine and that I didn't have a seizure at all!" He shook his head disgusted.

"You came from that hospital?" Hogan needed real answers.

The man looked at him and shook his head. "Oh no. They put me on the truck again to take me to a prison camp. We hit a bump and I fell off the truck and hit my head! I'm telling you I had a concussion! They said I didn't though! I still feel it! And that was a month ago! They said they were tired of me lying and, get this, on the way here, I tripped and hurt my knee! They wont even take me to a hospital! AND I have pneumonia! These Germans are heartless scoundrels!"

Hogan glanced over at Kinch who shrugged. He seemed fine to them, just tired maybe. He had plenty of energy as he described his journey, what with his flailing arms and gesturing. Maybe he was an actor and just doing it for attention.

They looked back at him, he was panting. "I'm…sorry… I'm exhausted… from breathing. I think I'll… go lie down." He went into the barracks to lie down.

The men looked between themselves. "Exhausted from breathin'? Newkirk asked standing up.

"He seems crazy." Carter said.

"Andrew…" Hogan began.

The other men looked at the young man unamused.

Hogan sighed and crossed his arms. "I think you're right." Hogan dropped his arms and began to walk to Klink's office. "Maybe Ol' Blood and Guts knows something."

Hogan walked into the Kommandant's office casually enough. "Colonel Klink can I ask you about that new prisoner.

Klink looked up from his desk. He was reading some papers. "I was hoping you could answer some questions about him." Klink looked like he was at a loss.

"You mean you don't know anything about him either?" Great this is just what he needs!

"They gave me papers but I honestly can't make sense of them." Klink handed the papers to Hogan then looked over his shoulder as the American officer read them.

Hogan read the papers thoroughly. The thoughts were that he was either crazy, attempting escapes or just looking for attention. Either way, he was too dramatic about it and made them drive all over the place just for him. They didn't want to be responsible for him anymore and so they dropped him off at Stalag Thirteen to rid themselves of the hassling man.

"So, he's either crazy, trying to escape, or looking for attention." Hogan said folding the papers.

"I bet he was trying to escape!" Klink said sure of himself.

"No I don't think so. He'd have escaped by now with those chances." Hogan placed the papers on the Kommandant's desk.

"Then you think he's doing it for attention?" Klink asked hoping Hogan had an answer.

"Or he's crazy." Hogan said shrugging.

Just then the door to the Kommandant's office flew open and Ronald Conway ran in. He looked like a crazy man. His eyes wide with terror as though he knew they were talking about him. "Do you realize how filthy those barracks are? I can't stay there! I'll die!"

Klink approached him. "Sergeant, what seems to be the problem?"

Ronald looked at him with a touch of disgust. He walked past the Kommandant and up to Hogan. "Who is this … this… man?" he said the last word with pure repulsion.

Klink didn't take to kindly to that. "This is the Kommandant." Hogan said with a warning glance.

"The Who?" The man turned around. There was no way he was sick. He acted fine. Especially with the fit he was throwing.

"The man in charge of he camp!" Hogan said putting his hands on the mans shoulders to try and calm him down.

"Well he's doing a lousy job!"

Hogan could see the fire in Klink's eyes.

"This place is so filthy! I could die from inhaling the spores around here! It's so unsanitary there's germs everywhere! If you think that I will stand for staying here you have another thing coming."

Klink went to the window. "SCHULTZ! Get in here I have a man to be taken to the cooler!"

Hogan rubbed his forehead. "Colonel!" Hogan went over to Klink's side and whispered to him. "Sir, I think we should wait, find out what is wrong with him and if he's really crazy we can commit him to an asylum and then we don't have to worry about him anymore!"

Klink thought about it. "But he can't stay here for too long."

"A week at most, that will give us the right amount of time to find out just what is going on." Hogan said bailing the man out from going to the cooler although he didn't know WHY he was doing it.

"Fine but I'm assigning him to your barracks!" Klink whispered harshly.

The door opened and Schultz walked in.

"Schultz, I changed my mind take him to Colonel Hogan's barracks."

Ronald stood there with a scowl on his face but was led out by Hogan and Schultz.

…

The man starts some serious trouble next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2 Trouble

The Hypochondriac-

Chapter 2: Trouble.

Summary: A New prisoner arrives and spreads a terrible illness throughout the camp. Can Hogan save his men before it's too late?

…

Ronald was escorted back to the barracks by Hogan and Schultz. He wasn't too happy about going back into the barracks. He complained of the dust and mold that didn't exist.

"But there's mold growing on mold!" He complained energetically, practically jumping up and down.

"There is no mold! Show me the mold!" Hogan said getting annoyed.

Ronald took the colonel by the arm and led him to the sink and pointed to a corner of it.

Hogan looked as hard as he could and only saw some soak suds on the surface of the sink. "It's soap suds." He said casually.

The man looked at him finally understanding. "Oh, I see, you're in denial about it!"

The other men looked up at each other then to the two men by the sink. Was this guy for real?

"Colonel, Sir, you mustn't be in denial about it, that's how the mold will get you. It will grow and crawl down your throat while you're sleeping and then you'll come down with a terrible illness and DIE!"

Hogan just looked at him. The man had to be an actor! He had to be acting, with this kind of energy.

"Don't worry, Sir, I'll take care of it, but first I need protective gear." The man looked around. He took a handkerchief and tied it around his mouth. He pulled out some aviator goggles, put them on and stole Carter's gloves. He took a cloth and began scrubbing the sink up and down and all around.

Hogan shook his head. If it made the man feel better, he didn't have a problem with it. He sat down at the table and began playing cards with the other men.

It wasn't long before Ronald had made his way over to the table; he was scrubbing the floor now. He tapped Hogan's shoes and Hogan lifted them. Ronald scrubbed under the feet then saw that the shoes were filthy underneath. They were covered in dirt. He quickly grabbed Hogan's left ankle and began scrubbing the shoe's sole.

Hogan, surprised at the touch jerked away a bit then realized what was happening. "You don't have to clean the bottoms of my shoes you know."

The man looked up. "Of course I do!" His reply was frantic.

"Why?" Carter asked curiously.

Yes, why? Hogan was asking the same question inside his mind.

Ronald stood up and addressed Carter calmly and stated in a matter-of-fact tone, "Well, you see, the dirt and germs will seep through the sole of the shoes, they are small enough after all, then they will seep into your skin and you'll get a skin infection and warts and even, leprosy in some mild cases."

"MILD?" That scared Carter. His eyes bugged out and he got frightened. He looked at the bottom of his shoes and in his panic ripped them off and threw them across the room. He went to tuck his feet under himself on the stool.

"Your socks too, the germs have infiltrated those too."

Carter tore them off and threw them as hard as he could, but being light weight they only landed a few feet away. He hugged his legs up to him as he sat at the table.

Hogan put his head in his hands. Great, now he had Carter all panicked.

Some of the other men began taking off their shoes and socks worried, not sure if they believed him but a bit grossed out.

Hogan sighed. "You're not going to get leprosy from germs in your socks, just wash them if your that worried."

Ronald shook his head picking the socks up between his index finger and thumb. "Oh no, they must be burned!"

Hogan smirked. "But what if some of the germs get into the air and down your lungs?"

Hogan could see Ronald going pale under the goggles and handkerchief. He looked at the sock he held and dropped it quickly then ran outside and grabbed a shovel. He swept them onto it and ran outside again. The shoes were gone as well. The men only had one pair of shoes a piece! Hogan sighed, got up and followed the man. He opened the barracks door and saw him digging a hole.

Schultz ran over to him. "Where did you get that shovel? You will not escape!" Schultz had his gun out pointing it at the man who wasn't listening or even paying attention. He just dug the hole as fast as he could.

Hogan ran up. "Schultz, relax."

Schultz relaxed and lowered his gun.

Hogan reached down, picked up the shoes and socks and went inside completely ignoring Ronald.

Schultz just looked at the retreating figure of Hogan completely confused.

Hogan went into the Barracks to see the men scrubbing the floors and walls and ceilings, not rigorously; not yet anyway. He went to put Carter's shoes on his bunk, but Carter knocked them out of his hand and guarded his bed, afraid the germs might seep into his mattress and kill him in the night.

Hogan picked them up. "Alright, if any of you want your shoes and socks back, they'll be in my office." He turned arms full of everyone's shoes and socks and headed into his office. Once in he closed his door and dropped his armful to the ground by one of the cabinets and went to his desk. The guy was a Germaphobe, and a hypochondriac! That was his problem! Why didn't he see it earlier?

Carter ran in.

"Come for your shoes?" Hogan pointed to the corner with the pile of shoes and socks.

Carter looked at it and side stepped away from it.

Hogan rolled his eyes, impatient.

"It's Sergeant Conway," Carter began.

"What's wrong?" Hogan stood. Hoping that maybe they were coming to their senses.

"He passed out from exhaustion! He needs medical help."

"He told you that?" Hogan asked not amused.

Carter nodded.

Hogan rubbed his eyes, "Did he tell hat before or after he passed out?"

"After." Carter answered.

Hogan then followed Carter out.

Ronald Conway was lying on a bunk moaning in either pain or misery, Hogan couldn't tell. One man was holding his hand while another was fanning him with a magazine. It looked more like a death bed than anything else.

"Alright, you're not that ill." Hogan said coming through.

"That's what I tried to tell him." Kinch said coming up next to Hogan.

He was glad that at least one of them was making sense. He saw Newkirk and Lebeau watching from the corner whispering between themselves.

"I checked his pulse, it was perfectly fine, he didn't overdo anything! He didn't even break a sweat!" Kinch said proving the guy was a fruit cake.

Hogan looked at the men. They had were taking care of Ronald. They had a cool cloth on his forehead.

Hogan looked at Kinch who answered. "No, he isn't fevered."

Hogan nodded. "Of course not. I'd better go see Klink."

"Sir?" Kinch asked. He hadn't been let in on the mission to find out if the guy was crazy or not.

Hogan explained it to him and Kinch, not wanting to be around the Hypochondria, went with his commanding officer.

The Hypochondria was spreading like a disease or something. He was surprised the men were gullible enough to be fooled. Carter, yes, that was a given.

"Kommandant!" Hogan entered the office with Kinch. "I think I found out what his problem is."

Klink jumped from his seat. "Really? What? Should I call the asylum now?"

Hogan put his hand up. "He's a hypochondriac. You can't put him in an asylum for that. Just a psyche ward."

"I'll call the hospital."

Hogan agreed. "Good, because he was so frantic about germs and such that he frightened the other men and they all began scrubbing the barracks."

Klink put the phone down. "You mean to tell me he got them to clean?"

Kinch bit his lip.

Hogan nodded not sure that it was such a good idea to say that.

Klink smiled mischievously. "Well, if he gets your men to clean he can't be all bad."

"Sir!" Hogan had screwed up. "You can't do this!"

"Oh, but I can!" Klink said cheerfully taking his seat again. "You may go now and be sure to scrub extra hard!" Klink saluted. "Dismissed."

Hogan saluted angrily and he and Kinch left. "Now what?"

"We need a plan." Hogan said as he made his way back to the barracks. He stopped outside. "Any ideas?"

"None, Sir." Kinch said after some thought.

Hogan stood a moment thinking then got that look in his eye.

"You have a plan?" Kinch knew he did.

"I have a plan!" Hogan nodded.

…

Now to write the plan! :D Hope you liked this chappy please R&R! and if you haven't voted yet, there is a poll in my profile. Danke!


	3. Chapter 3 A Plan

The Hypochondriac-

Chapter 3: A Plan

…

The next morning Hogan came out to see Ronald telling the guards about how they should disinfect their helmets or they might go bald.

"You see, if you don't clean the inside of the helmet and disinfect it, it will get germs and bacteria, then the bacteria and germs will crawl into your scalp and eat away at your hair and in some mild cases they may crawl even deeper and get to your brain causing a whole multitude of problems!" Ronald was telling them so calmly, as though he were giving a college lecture or something.

Hogan had heard enough. "What's going on?"

The guards had very worried looks on their faces. Even Schultz seemed well beyond frightened. "Oh, Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Conway was telling us about how we should always keep our helmets disinfected or we might get brain damage or loss of hair!" Schultz turned to the other guards. "Do you think that maybe that's what happened to the Kommandant? He used to be in action in the last war, perhaps he never disinfected his helmet and that's why he is now bald!"

The guards nodded and agreed! "And why he's so pretty slow, the germs and bacteria must have gotten too deep and damaged his brain!"

Hogan rolled his eyes, sure it was funny what they were saying but it was ridiculous all the same! He turned to look at Sergeant Conway but found him gone. Hogan looked around and saw that he'd moved on to the other guards.

Hogan couldn't stop him so he shrugged and let him go.

The looks on the guards faces were of pure terror. They quickly removed their helmets or their gloves or shoes for fear that the germs and bacteria would seep into the skin and give them leprosy or, brain damage or that they might lose their opposable thumbs!

Hogan was no doctor but he knew that it wasn't likely that anything like that could happen from wearing shoes, gloves or a helmet, if at all. Hogan moved on and went to stand by Kinch who was by the barracks. Everyone else was cleaning and polishing and scrubbing the inside of the barracks. Newkirk and Lebeau were, however, elsewhere.

It wasn't long before most of the camp including most of the guards were infected with Hypochondria.

Klink came out of his office and stood on his porch. He saw Kinch and Hogan standing by the barracks chatting. The rest of the prisoners were inside cleaning, from what Klink could tell through the open door. He glanced around the rest of the camp. Guards had their helmets and gloves off. Some were by the well, away from their posts cleaning their helmets, gloves and shoes with the water. Schultz was sitting on the porch, his shoes and gloves off, cleaning his helmet. "What is going on here!?" Klink yelled filled with annoyance.

Schultz jumped up to salute the Kommandant, however not having shoes on and considering there was freshly fallen snow, he hopped from one foot to the other from the cold. "H-herr Kommandant!"

Schultz, who was still hopping from foot to foot, lowered his salute. "Sergeant Conway, said that if we don't keep our helmets disinfected we may lose our hair or get brain damage from the germs and bacteria in them."

Klink looked at Schultz and nodded and with his usual sarcasm said, "Oh I see, then by all means clean your helmet in fact let me do it for you!"

Schultz took him seriously. "Thank you Herr Kommandant!"

Klink was annoyed that Shultz didn't catch his sarcasm. "Schultz! Back to your post!"

Schultz saluted and quickly put his boots, gloves and helmet on and ran to his post, however he quickly ran back for his rifle that he left leaning on the steps.

Klink shook his head. Klink looked over and saw that Hogan hadn't been paying attention. Or had he? Klink would have to keep an eye on the American officer.

Hogan looked up and saw Klink watching him. "I wonder what the bald eagle wants." Hogan said casually.

Kinch looked up. "Dunno, maybe you should go check."

Hogan smiled. "Nah, he can come to me."

The day passed very slowly for Hogan and by nightfall the entire camp was infected, save for a select few who actually had brains… and Klink as well. It was evening roll call.

"Olsen,"

"Yup."

"Carter,"

"Uh-huh."

"Kinch,"

"Of course,"

"Lebeau,"

There wasn't an answer.

Schultz looked up from his list and looked around. Lebeau and Newkirk weren't in their places, in fact they weren't there at all!

"Colonel Hogan!"

"Yeah I'm here Schultz." Hogan said pretending that he thought Schultz was calling his name for roll call.

"No Colonel Hogan! Where are Newkirk and Lebeau?"

"They escaped with Conway."

Schultz nearly had a heart attack. "Escaped?"

"REPORT!" Klink came stomping out of his office ready to hear the words 'all present and accounted for'. However he wouldn't have such luck.

"Herr Kommandant, three prisoners have escaped."

Klink nearly dropped the monocle out of his eye. "Who?" He demanded.

Schultz looked at his list. "Corporal Newkirk, Corporal Lebeau and Sergeant Conway."

"He WAS doing it to escape!" Klink said, his fist balled. "Hogan!"

Hogan came forward. "Yes, Kommandant?"

"Where are your men?"

"They escaped. Your guards were too busy making sure their helmets were disinfected and their boots were clean to pay attention to the fact that he walked right out the front gate." Hogan sighed as though he were disappointed in the German officer.

Klink's eyes bugged out. "Release the dogs! We will find these prisoners!" He turned to prepare and Schultz called the alarm and got the men together to go out and search.

Hogan approached Klink, "Colonel may I suggest searching the farm not far from here?"

Klink looked at Hogan. "No you may not!" Although he was going to look there anyway, he just didn't want Hogan to think that he had helped in HIS capture. Klink was going to get the credit and no one else!

"Oh and Sir, when you find him keep him away from my men he's a bad influence." Hogan said acting as though he were a worried mother and didn't want his children playing with such a juvenile delinquent.

"Very well, he'll have the cooler until he is transferred." Klink agreed, he didn't want his men around him either.

Klink mounted himself in the motorcycle and he and the Germans guards went out the gate. Hogan returned to his men and filed them inside.

"Sir, you mean, he was lying just to throw off the guards so he could escape?" Carter asked.

"Yes, Carter, I didn't find out about it until later on, so Newkirk and Lebeau went with him to keep an eye on him. Seems he's quite an actor."

"Then we wont get Leprosy from wearing our shoes?" The young man was still barefoot.

Hogan nodded. His plan worked.

Carter bit his lip then raced into the colonel's office and took his shoes and socks back. He came out with everyone else's and they claimed them back as well.

It wasn't long before Klink returned with Conway, Newkirk and Lebeau. The three were put into a cell and held there. Newkirk and Lebeau got thirty days in the cooler and Conway was to be transferred the next day.

Newkirk and Lebeau sat on the bunk chatting casually while Conway rocked back and forth in the corner like a frightened child. He kept mumbling words like, 'dirty, germs, filthy, doom, I'm dying,' and so on. His eyes darted around as though he were looking for the germs that were going to jump at him.

In the morning, Hogan went into Klink's office to get Newkirk and Lebeau out of the cooler while Conway would be escorted out later.

"Sir, can I speak to you about Lebeau and Newkirk?"

"No." Klink said bluntly.

"Sir, may I explain?"

Klink huffed and sighed then nodded.

"Thank you. You see, I didn't know that Conway was trying to escape but Newkirk and Lebeau did. They told me yesterday and said they would lead him to the farm for you to find them so that he could be transferred out once caught because he is such a bad influence on my men, especially Carter."

Klink looked at Hogan. "Why especially Carter?"

"Oh, well he's really gullible." Hogan said matter-of-factly.

Klink nodded. "So your men led him to the farm for me to catch just to get him out of here because he's causing so much trouble?"

Hogan nodded. Good Klink was buying it.

Klink nodded. I see, very well, Newkirk and Lebeau will be released at once.

Hogan thanked the Kommandant and returned to his barracks.

Kinch knew that his commanding officer had succeeded.

Conway was transferred to another Stalag who immediately put him into a psyche ward, who then sent him back to London. He was out of everyone's hair. Well, except London's.

That night Hogan, Kinch, Newkirk and Lebeau sat down by the radio chatting, waiting for Carter to return from a quick mission.

"It was bloody brilliant to let 'im go around and scare the guards the way 'e did. That way they were distracted by their helmets and what not. Then convince him to escape to a cleaner place, sneak out through the barbed wire, take him to the barn, and wait for Klink to come and get 'im. Absolutely brilliant, Sir."

"Thank you Newkirk." Hogan was just as happy.

"Now we wont have to deal with that nut case again!" Lebeau was nearly bouncing in his seat.

"Hopefully not!" Hogan was glad that at least the majority of his team retained their sanity, as for Carter well that was another story.

Kinch heard footsteps. "Carter is back from retrieving that pilot." They weren't going to tell him about the plan they had made, he might revert to a hypochondriac or a germophobe.

Carter turned the corner and was followed by the pilot he picked up.

"'ello ol' chaps! Colonel Crittendon at your service!" The British officer saluted rather eccentrically as he usually did.

Hogan put his head in his hands. Why was this war full of crazy people?

….

Okay well that's it. I thought I was going to need another chapter but I guess I was wrong. Hope you liked it. I'm working on another story too. I hope to have the first chapter for that up in a day or so. It's called Young and Gullible!


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